Fall Seven Times, Stand Up Eight. I live my life through proverbs, quotes, affirmations, prayers and whatever else will spark my fire for the day. Yesterday was a horrific day, but at the same time I achieved a new milestone. I was angry...just so dang angry. A combo of work and personal life really. You would think that this would be fuel to bust out a workout, but in my case..when I get this angry I need calmness and serenity. Any little thing or anyone can set me off when I get to this point. I'm not dangerous or anything people..I promise lol. But what I needed was some me time...no distractions, no stimulation, no people, no nothing. But previously, this would include going home, eating crappy, and/or drinking adult beverages. Yesterday something different happened. Instead of heading home and engaging in negative behaviors.....I cleaned, organized my jewelry into a new jewelry armoir I bought, and cooked a healthy dinner. Then got in bed and watched episodes of the Walking Dead until I fell asleep around 11ish. I woke up this morning so proud of myself...I broke the negative cycle. Instead of digging myself deeper, I chose to decompress through relaxation, small tasks, and reminders that my journey will have ups and downs, but my mind is tougher and ready for battle. A step closer to where I need to be and with that, here's my B.L.O.G.
B – Haven't really felt much yet, but I quickly remind myself that it took me 9 months to get where I'm at today and it will take me about the same amount of time (hopefully less) to get where I want to be. Body isn't in pain like before and I listen instead of forcing myself to do what I know I'm not ready to.
L – I am on a journey to get healthy again, but I also learned that taking these things day by day are so key. I'm learning to challenge my negative thoughts and to celebrate my successes instead of beating myself up for nto completing something.
O – Despite the weight I've gained, I'm still able to balance pretty well and do some of my old fave exercise moves with little to no modification!
G – Goal for next week is to food prep more consistently. I get so caught up in my weekend activities that I sometimes am too tired or forget to prep. Gotta get on that asap!
S – Each and every one of you guys is inspiring me and pushing me....bellieving in myself sometimes gets the best of me but then I hear you all cheering me on and I'm like buck that....Im the ish lol.
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Half the Battle is Believing.....
The concept of the phoenix has always fascinated me. In Greek Mythology this bird is reborn by rising from their ashes. Regenerated. Alive to take on another day. Born again. For those who have known me, my drive, passion, and will to live life to the fullest are what make me who I am. The year 2014 however, proved to challenge each and every one of these. The point of today's blog is not for others to feel sorry for me. It is my way of taking my life back and letting go of all the hurt, anger, and guilt that kept me prisoner for a year. It is also my hope that by sharing my story, I can inspire others to also let go of whatever pain, guilt, or hopelessness has clouded your life. Together we can and as our journey states, "I can, I will".
Fitness was my everything. It was my stress reliever, extra curricular activity, thing I did when I was bored...my way of life! I started out with Maia and Flo at the Underground and as you can see....still here. I'm hoping by now they realize......they can never get rid of me even if they try! I was known as "Guns" I was in the best shape of my life and then (insert dramatic music) I injured myself. Til this day....doctor and I are not too sure what came first, how, why, or when, but long story short...I was in trouble. I had a bruised rib, injured shoulder, injured deltoid, injured tricep, and injured pectoral. The pain was unbearable and even lifting my arm slightly was excruciating. We began a course of anti-inflammatory meds...nothing! Then an Xray...nothing! Finally a referral for physical therapy because nothing more could be done by my doc. Went in for my initial evaluation and got the scolding of my life! I was scolded for continuing to work out and the risk I was taking in causing further damage. I was ordered to immediately cease all exercise except for walking. I pleaded to at least use the elliptical and my PT said nope...because it moves your upper body too much. I couldn't do anything that would potentially move my upper body. Not even lifting weights or squatting. In short, part of me died that day. Being told to not work out was like telling me not to breathe. But I also understood that If I didn't do what I was suppose to I could further harm myself and cause permanent damage.
So the battle to get better began. Painful and sometimes frustrating physical therapy consumed my life twice a week for months. In total, it took nine months for me to finish PT and be cleared to start "light exercise". Then...the second battle began. My body somewhat agreed with the light exercise but my mind was like WTF is this light exercise you talk about?! We going hard in the paint, you're free! Yup...the battle between mind and body started and boy was it brutal. I attempted to return to the gym and my mind ran the show. Wanting me to do ALL that I was used to doing prior to my injury and as you might have guessed...my body said HELL TO THE NO. I quickly fatigued, felt sick, and couldn't even finish the workout which before was a breeze to get through. I felt defeated, angry, and worst of all hated myself. How could I do this to myself? What the hell is wrong with me? And all kinds of other thoughts ran through my head to the point where I gave up. I started experiencing pain from pushing myself too hard and I worried that I would re-injury myself. Soon after, I stopped working out. I didn't feel worthy and my life felt like it was crumbling. I felt so ashamed and went as far as avoiding people, places. I engaged in some pretty negative behaviors and my life was nothing but a dark cloud. Then I was dealt another blow at the end of 2013.
I started off 2014 with tremendous heartache. A relationship I had poured my heart, soul, and dreams into was ripped from my hands in the blink of an eye. I was scammed and ultimately broken. Great way to start a new year I thought...it just kept getting worse and worse. I won't bore you with all the other crap that happened but long story short....I was digging myself further and further. I pushed away from others, isolated myself, and avoided so much. All I did was sleep, go to work, and eat. My parents begged me to fight, so did my sister, but I didn't believe in myself. I thought...I used to be able to fight, but now I'm too wounded and in shambles. Crazy enough as a write this I tear up because I've never been a quitter, I've always been a fighter, but this time was different. I had no energy or will to fight. I was too tired. Fast forward to June 9, 2014. I was on vacation as I took off for my bday on June 10th when I received a call that will forever stay with me. My 16 yr old client was shot and killed - drugs involved. Anyone that knows me knows that I love what I do and that I'm a mama bear with my clients. I work with some of the most high risk hard core teens in Fairfax County. But to me...they were my kiddos, my reason for being so darn happy at work and I did everything I could as their therapist to give them hope and show them that life can be different. This kid in particular was a true rock star and overcame so much adversity since the moment he was born. We worked so hard for him to achieve sobriety, raise his grades in school, stay out of trouble in the community, and was actually scheduled to complete all his probation requirements and have his case closed the same week. Moreover, this client taught me a lot and thinking of never seeing him again was a stab to the heart.
Work went back to normal after awhile, but I was still the same. Loathing in self pity and drowning, feeling like there was no escape. It's funny because at work I was stellar...on top of my game...noted as a leader and one of the best therapists in my office. But as soon as I left work and went home, I fell apart. I was living two lives...the therapist who did her job so damn well and appeared like life was super dandy and then the person outside of work who couldn't find the courage to get their life back together. I attempted the fitness thing here and there but would give up quickly...I didn't believe that I could do it and was so weighed down by guilt and shame. Didn't help that I had constant reminders from people, "Wow, what happened? You used to be so fit!" or "Looks like you gained some weight there" or "Geez what happened to you?" (followed by a grabbing of my stomach). Now you can imagine...I was already down and out...these comments by friends and loved ones were the nails to the coffin. I kept spinning in darkness.
Fast forward to December 29, 2014. I was at work when I learned from a mutual client that my 17 yr old client had passed away. Another drug related incident. 2 clients in one year......a lot to handle for anyone that is in this profession. Losing a client is brutal but losing a teen and one of my teens at that....earth shattering. I was so heart broken. I left my office that night and burst into tears. My thoughts swirled and I was numb, lost, and without ease or answers. Next day at work I had to make the dreaded phone call to the mother. That moment which I feared actually became refreshing and a glimmer of hope. When talking to mother she told me that despite the tragedy of losing her son, she wanted to thank me for working with her son. She began to explain how he would come home from therapy and be excited to share what he learned and how "cool and nice" I was. She further explained because of the work I did with him, he was getting closer to his family, becoming more responsible, staying home more often, and attending school everyday. He even managed to raise his grades before the quarter ended. This moment was so humbling but also defining. I realized that I was in this job for a reason, God chose me to work with these teens and their families, and to keep fighting the good fight. However, in order to give my all and more, I had to be okay with myself. So with that said, I pledged that same day I talked to this mother, that in memory of my two clients who passed away, I would get healthy and get my life back on track. I have way more lives to impact including my own.
I share this so that you can see no matter how dark or deep, there is a light. There is a way. I am hopeful that I will get back on my feet. I'm bruised and slowly picking up the pieces. I'm starting where I am. I will once and for all forgive myself and take the beauty I have inside of me and let it spring forward. So with that said, this isn't a journey I want to take alone. I once upon a time helped others get healthy, now its my turn to get help to be healthy and I need a team. So guess what folks, WE can and WE will.
Fitness was my everything. It was my stress reliever, extra curricular activity, thing I did when I was bored...my way of life! I started out with Maia and Flo at the Underground and as you can see....still here. I'm hoping by now they realize......they can never get rid of me even if they try! I was known as "Guns" I was in the best shape of my life and then (insert dramatic music) I injured myself. Til this day....doctor and I are not too sure what came first, how, why, or when, but long story short...I was in trouble. I had a bruised rib, injured shoulder, injured deltoid, injured tricep, and injured pectoral. The pain was unbearable and even lifting my arm slightly was excruciating. We began a course of anti-inflammatory meds...nothing! Then an Xray...nothing! Finally a referral for physical therapy because nothing more could be done by my doc. Went in for my initial evaluation and got the scolding of my life! I was scolded for continuing to work out and the risk I was taking in causing further damage. I was ordered to immediately cease all exercise except for walking. I pleaded to at least use the elliptical and my PT said nope...because it moves your upper body too much. I couldn't do anything that would potentially move my upper body. Not even lifting weights or squatting. In short, part of me died that day. Being told to not work out was like telling me not to breathe. But I also understood that If I didn't do what I was suppose to I could further harm myself and cause permanent damage.
So the battle to get better began. Painful and sometimes frustrating physical therapy consumed my life twice a week for months. In total, it took nine months for me to finish PT and be cleared to start "light exercise". Then...the second battle began. My body somewhat agreed with the light exercise but my mind was like WTF is this light exercise you talk about?! We going hard in the paint, you're free! Yup...the battle between mind and body started and boy was it brutal. I attempted to return to the gym and my mind ran the show. Wanting me to do ALL that I was used to doing prior to my injury and as you might have guessed...my body said HELL TO THE NO. I quickly fatigued, felt sick, and couldn't even finish the workout which before was a breeze to get through. I felt defeated, angry, and worst of all hated myself. How could I do this to myself? What the hell is wrong with me? And all kinds of other thoughts ran through my head to the point where I gave up. I started experiencing pain from pushing myself too hard and I worried that I would re-injury myself. Soon after, I stopped working out. I didn't feel worthy and my life felt like it was crumbling. I felt so ashamed and went as far as avoiding people, places. I engaged in some pretty negative behaviors and my life was nothing but a dark cloud. Then I was dealt another blow at the end of 2013.
I started off 2014 with tremendous heartache. A relationship I had poured my heart, soul, and dreams into was ripped from my hands in the blink of an eye. I was scammed and ultimately broken. Great way to start a new year I thought...it just kept getting worse and worse. I won't bore you with all the other crap that happened but long story short....I was digging myself further and further. I pushed away from others, isolated myself, and avoided so much. All I did was sleep, go to work, and eat. My parents begged me to fight, so did my sister, but I didn't believe in myself. I thought...I used to be able to fight, but now I'm too wounded and in shambles. Crazy enough as a write this I tear up because I've never been a quitter, I've always been a fighter, but this time was different. I had no energy or will to fight. I was too tired. Fast forward to June 9, 2014. I was on vacation as I took off for my bday on June 10th when I received a call that will forever stay with me. My 16 yr old client was shot and killed - drugs involved. Anyone that knows me knows that I love what I do and that I'm a mama bear with my clients. I work with some of the most high risk hard core teens in Fairfax County. But to me...they were my kiddos, my reason for being so darn happy at work and I did everything I could as their therapist to give them hope and show them that life can be different. This kid in particular was a true rock star and overcame so much adversity since the moment he was born. We worked so hard for him to achieve sobriety, raise his grades in school, stay out of trouble in the community, and was actually scheduled to complete all his probation requirements and have his case closed the same week. Moreover, this client taught me a lot and thinking of never seeing him again was a stab to the heart.
Work went back to normal after awhile, but I was still the same. Loathing in self pity and drowning, feeling like there was no escape. It's funny because at work I was stellar...on top of my game...noted as a leader and one of the best therapists in my office. But as soon as I left work and went home, I fell apart. I was living two lives...the therapist who did her job so damn well and appeared like life was super dandy and then the person outside of work who couldn't find the courage to get their life back together. I attempted the fitness thing here and there but would give up quickly...I didn't believe that I could do it and was so weighed down by guilt and shame. Didn't help that I had constant reminders from people, "Wow, what happened? You used to be so fit!" or "Looks like you gained some weight there" or "Geez what happened to you?" (followed by a grabbing of my stomach). Now you can imagine...I was already down and out...these comments by friends and loved ones were the nails to the coffin. I kept spinning in darkness.
Fast forward to December 29, 2014. I was at work when I learned from a mutual client that my 17 yr old client had passed away. Another drug related incident. 2 clients in one year......a lot to handle for anyone that is in this profession. Losing a client is brutal but losing a teen and one of my teens at that....earth shattering. I was so heart broken. I left my office that night and burst into tears. My thoughts swirled and I was numb, lost, and without ease or answers. Next day at work I had to make the dreaded phone call to the mother. That moment which I feared actually became refreshing and a glimmer of hope. When talking to mother she told me that despite the tragedy of losing her son, she wanted to thank me for working with her son. She began to explain how he would come home from therapy and be excited to share what he learned and how "cool and nice" I was. She further explained because of the work I did with him, he was getting closer to his family, becoming more responsible, staying home more often, and attending school everyday. He even managed to raise his grades before the quarter ended. This moment was so humbling but also defining. I realized that I was in this job for a reason, God chose me to work with these teens and their families, and to keep fighting the good fight. However, in order to give my all and more, I had to be okay with myself. So with that said, I pledged that same day I talked to this mother, that in memory of my two clients who passed away, I would get healthy and get my life back on track. I have way more lives to impact including my own.
I share this so that you can see no matter how dark or deep, there is a light. There is a way. I am hopeful that I will get back on my feet. I'm bruised and slowly picking up the pieces. I'm starting where I am. I will once and for all forgive myself and take the beauty I have inside of me and let it spring forward. So with that said, this isn't a journey I want to take alone. I once upon a time helped others get healthy, now its my turn to get help to be healthy and I need a team. So guess what folks, WE can and WE will.
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